Popular?

Middle school me would have had a hard time believing that one day I'd be one of the popular kids. However, here I am, and I'm part of that elite group in my new ward. Crazy!

I didn't really do anything special to be in the popular group. I just fit the mold: I'm young, I'm educated, I enjoy and have time to read books. I'm even a little bit sporty (ok, ok, all it is is that I run, and that's a newer thing. I'm going to write an update on that soon). Oh yeah. I also have young kids, just like all the other "popular" moms.

I actually feel kind of ridiculous talking about how popular I am.

Anyway, I'm one of those people. They are all nice, kind, and accepting people, but they are the "popular" group and many people in the ward have a hard time feeling like they fit in. Now that I'm in this situation, what am I to do about it?

First things first, let's start with what I have done. I've tried sitting with people in my ward who are not part of the popular group. I really enjoy their company, and they have so many unique talents and experiences. I'm actively trying to get to know everyone in my ward, not just the "popular" ones.

However, this isn't enough. The other "popular" people aren't following my lead. It's kind of funny, because a lot of them are shy or not very outgoing. I think they don't even realize that they're popular! For the situation to change, however, the other "popular" people need to get involved.

One of the things that made it hard for me to fit in when I was younger was that I unwittingly excluded myself from other people and their activities. We didn't share interests, so I thought that they weren't interested in doing things with me. What I didn't understand was that in order to be friends with someone different from you, sometimes you have to put some of your favorite interests on the back burner in order to foster your new friendship.

It's difficult for me to think of activities or conversation starters that don't involve children, books, or a limited amount of exercise. However, the fact of the matter is that there are millions upon millions of people in this world who don't have any interest in even one of those things. If I want to have a well-rounded worldview and include people from many walks of life in my circle of friends--regardless of where I know them from--then I need to learn to branch out, get out of my comfort zone, and take interest in their favorite interests.

Let's not be like Glinda :)

I love the South and I am proud of my Southern heritage. I mean, it's kinda obvious from my last post. I love finding and identifying parts of me that are Southern (don't you think my pinkie toe looks like it comes from Dixie?). On the other hand, there are some parts of Southern culture and the way other people look at it that just baffle me.

Now, there are the obviously unsavory parts of Southern culture, most glaringly the racism and bigotry that has historically been a problem and still persists here. However, here I want to talk about the baffling mystique of the "Southern belle" and why I'm stumped that so many women aspire to fit the mold of the traditional woman of the South.

Now, I get some of it. She has an endearing accent, is laid back, is beautiful and graceful, seems comfortable in any situation, and her manners are polished so much that they shine. All of those seem worthy of aspiration to me.

Now, what's the catch?

The catch, my dears, is how some people buy in to every part of the culture--especially the part where it's okay--and even genteel!--to insult someone if you add, "Bless her/his heart" to the insult or if you can hide the barb some other way in flattering words.

No, no, no! There is no way that insulting another person is either ladylike or gentlemanly. If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say it! Who cares how cleverly you're able to hide it in that snide compliment? That is not refinement. That's cunning in its most vindictive sense.

Playful Parenting: my review

This review is for the book Playful Parenting by Lawrence J. Cohen.

I really enjoyed reading and learning from this book. The only thing that really bothered me about it was that the author seemed to think that his way was the only good and proper way to raise children. Considering that my favorite parenting advice is, "read lots of parenting books, take what you like from them, and discard the rest," it's understandable that I don't agree with his disdain of other parenting methods. I think it's valuable to take concepts from several different parenting techniques and use what works best for your family. Going along with that, his section about discipline was a bit confusing. He said don't be harsh but also set limits for the kids. Maybe it's because I'm still new to the whole "playful parenting" thing, but using his methods for setting limits backfired for me, and it was like I hadn't set limits.

Now on to the good stuff! And there's a lot of good stuff.

The playful approach really does minimize or eliminate many conflicts. Here are some examples:

• We were reading scriptures together one night and Levi didn't want to read his verse. I got some of his toys to play out the situation and then he "helped" one of his toys to read the verse.
• Bedtime has been difficult some nights--he's been really clingy on those nights and doesn't want us to leave. Playing using the methods in this book during the day make bedtime easier at night.
• Levi is more affectionate and is more accepting of me comforting him when he's sad.

It has also helped me. One day I woke up with a headache and was just generally cranky all day. I wanted to yell and I only had enough patience for one kid at a time. Levi asked me to play with him, and I had one of the toys be grumpy like me. It was really therapeutic to let my feelings out, and playing them using these techniques was a good way to release those feelings without scaring Levi.

Using the strategies taught in the book has also made playing with Levi more fun than before. I think we both enjoy our time together more.

I really liked how the author focused on connection with children. I agree that a connected child is a happier and better-adjusted child. I also feel that a parent has better odds for passing on their values when they are connected to their children.

He focuses on children's need to be loved, and recognizes it as a very real thing. He also explains that they need to be told in many ways that they are loved.

I also really liked his focus on fathers being involved with their children and specific techniques to help fathers play effectively with their children, so that all can enjoy the play time.

He also encouraged parents to foster compassion in boys and independence in girls, with specific strategies for doing so.

__________________________


I highly recommend this book! 4.5 stars.

Middle child in a large family

It's generally understood that middle children get the short end of the stick when it comes to family life. However, I really enjoyed being a middle child in a large family, and I felt like there were a lot of positives that came from being in that position.

Of course, there were the usual cons to being a middle child. Some specific things that come to mind are--

-Very few baby pictures of me

-Not many people remember things I specifically did when I was little/a baby

-More restrictions based on mistakes my older siblings made (I'm not faulting my older siblings here)

The positives outweigh the cons, though.

-Having sibling friends both older and younger than me

-Middle was the spot for the "cool kids"

-Learning from the successes of my older siblings

-Learning from the mistakes of my older siblings

-Learning through having responsibility for my younger siblings

-Being able to boss around my younger siblings

Women in engineering--always in high demand?

Recently, someone alluded to the fact that when I was in college, I was one of the rare women in a male-dominated field. The topic of conversation that led to this was how difficult it is for guys at Georgia Tech to get girlfriends and that most eligible women there were flanked by two or three guys.

The nature of the conversation was such that I was able to say that I had the experience of being one of very few women in my classes, but not what it meant for me or really anything else about it.

I've also seen comics about how women in engineering and other male-dominated subjects have to dress down so they don't get unwanted attention, but then get it anyway.

It wasn't like that for me. Mostly the guys just ignored me.

The closest I came to being in high demand was in my physics class, where there was a significantly higher proportion of women than in my regular engineering classes. It wasn't until near the end of the semester that I realized my two friends (who were not studying engineering and were in classes with a much higher guy/girl ratio) that sat on either side of me both were interested in me.

However, that was only one class during one semester out of the dozens of classes I took while in school. The guys just weren't interested in me. I didn't feel bad about it, though--I wasn't interested in them, either. It would have been nice to have more friends, but it's awkward to have friends that are interested in you. They also probably thought I'd think they were interested in me if they were friendly towards me, which would also make them less likely to befriend me.

So, long story short, not all women in male-dominated fields are in high demand. The end.

People change

I remember the first time I noticed a drastic change in someone. When I knew this person in high school, she was unforgiving and judgmental. She didn't like me for reasons beyond my control. She was manipulative.

When I started to interact with this person on a regular basis several years later, I was struck with the change in her. She was still her, but in a different way. She was more forgiving. She admitted her own faults, and she didn't dislike me. She wasn't as manipulative as she had once been. I could tell that she was happier, and that she liked herself more.

At first, I resisted treating her as a changed person. I still remembered what she had been like in the past, and knew some of what she was capable of. I had formed habits in the way I interacted with her, and I had to remember the changes to treat her as the new her.

I've noticed the same thing with myself. I'm a vastly different person from who I was in high school, even though I'm the same in many ways.

I was shy, awkward, opinionated, stubborn, vulnerable, naive, and many other things when I was in high school. I was a people-pleaser and a rule-follower; I stayed quiet because I was afraid of saying something wrong or making people dislike me.

Now I am outgoing, socially acceptable, more informed, less stubborn, more open to other people's thoughts, experiences, and opinions, and more sure of myself. I still like to make others comfortable, but I'm continuing to learn that you can't make everyone happy, no matter how hard you try. I'm different. I'm still me at my core, but I'm different.

Recently I talked to someone who best remembers high school me. She made a reference to my naivete which was no longer accurate. There are still other people that knew me from my high school years* that avoid me because high school me was boring and uninteresting, and don't even give me a chance now.

It's important to give people second chances, the benefit of the doubt, and  remember that they can change. Not everyone goes though such dramatic changes as my friend and I have, but we need to remember that people can and do change.


*There are many people who knew me while I was in high school that have maintained their friendships with me throughout my changes. Only some people have been unwilling to get to know me again. I imagine it's just as hard for them as it was for me to re-acquaint myself with the friend that I talked about at the beginning of this post.

City dwellers are so cute

"There's  nothing to do in [small town]," she said.

"Huh," I thought, "nothing to do? I wonder why she couldn't have done the things I did when I was growing up? There was plenty to do in my small town."

You're going to visit a small town. It doesn't have a lot of interesting shops and the movie theater plays only one or two movies a night. Are you planning on being bored because there's "nothing" to do?

I have to say, anyone who says there's nothing to do in a small town needs to learn a little bit of creativity!

What about visiting with the people you know in that town? Isn't that better than any shop you could go to?

Could you go outside and appreciate the beauty of the nature that is so close to this small town?

Do you know how to read a book?

Do you enjoy playing board games, card games, or video games?

If any of these sound enjoyable, then there is something to do in that small town you think is so boring.

I grew up playing outside, watching nature, learning to entertain myself. Family vacations were spent at the rural location by a lake where my grandparents lived. We always had enough to do, although the closest town was tiny--its main attractions were a grocery store and maybe one restaurant. I don't ever remember being bored there, and there's only so much time you can spend swimming in a day.

All I've got to say is, "That's cute, city dwellers. So cute." Keep saying that there's nothing to do in small towns. ;)

Snobby or just shy?

It was the beginning of my sophomore year in college, and I had made my first "D" on a test since starting college. Although most of the students in my class had made either a "D" or an "F", I was very concerned about my grade, especially since one student (helpfully pointed out by our teacher) had made a B on the exam.

There were exactly four women in the class of at least 30 students, and as was usual at my university, seating was not assigned. Three of us women sat together to the side of the middle of the classroom--girls gotta stick together in engineering classes, you know? The overachieving student was the fourth woman in a class full of men, and she sat by herself at the front of the room, on the first row on the opposite side as my group did. She always answered questions perfectly, and seemed to have a snooty air about her when she did so. She didn't seem interested in getting to know the people who sat near her. I assumed that she didn't care to associate with those of us with inferior intellect.

Anyway, back to the "D" on my test. I was very upset by it, as I was used to scoring high grades. The teacher mentioned that there was a copy of the test in the math library with all of the solutions on it. She suggested that we look over it to find our errors. Determined, I made time to go to the math library and find out what was wrong with my test so I could fix it and do better on the next one.

I entered the math library, and asked the attendant about the sample test. He said it was currently checked out, and I'd have to come by a different time. Disappointed, I looked around for a table to do some homework at, since I was already there. As I looked around the library, I saw the overachieving girl from my class. I knew she'd have more answers than I did, and I approached. I asked if we could compare our tests, and she agreed.

As we worked on the test, I started to get to know her. What a wake up call! She was the funniest person I had met in a long time. She was also smart (obviously) and interested in the same kinds of things I was interested in. I found out that she was just shy, just like me! I wanted to hit myself for that one. How many times had I bemoaned the fact that everyone thought I was stuck up just because I didn't know how to talk to people? And then there I was pre-judging her shyness for snobbery. Way to go me, right?

Thankfully, first impressions don't rule everything. Jennifer and I became close friends, and even roomed together for the first semester of my junior year (before my mission). She was so much fun. She even played my favorite game (Boggle) with me almost every night for a whole semester before either one of us got tired of it. We had so much fun together. Just think what I would have missed out on if I hadn't overcome my bias against the supposed "snob"!

Utah's a good place!

Ever since moving to Utah with Austin almost 3 years ago, I've continually learned more and more about Utah and its people. I moved here with plenty of negative stereotypes to go off of, and not really any positive ones. I got over those negative stereotypes very quickly, however. Most of them just aren't true! Sure, there are people in UT that fit the negative stereotypes, but not nearly enough to stereotype the Utahn people with!

Some of the negative stereotypes that I heard about Utah/Utahns include:
-Hypocritical people
-Meat market type singles situation
-Arid climate
-Large bushes were called trees

The biggest stereotype was that the people in Utah are hypocritical. Yeah, sure, there are hypocritical people in Utah, but no more (in my experience) than you'd find outside of Utah. Maybe some people come with higher expectations than they should, and when Utah isn't at the verge of being translated they get disappointed. I haven't been in the singles scene, so I can't say anything about that. The climate IS arid, and I get dry skin MUCH more often here. True stereotype. Large bushes being called trees? Probably, but it isn't really a big deal. A lot of Westerners think we're silly for calling the Appalachian mountains mountains, so I guess we're even there!

That being said, there are many things I love about Utah/Utahns:

-Gardens EVERYWHERE

+ Really, really. In prosperous areas and in less prosperous areas. I've seen them in small yards and big yards; in the city and out of it. In my experience, the gardeners were more than happy to share their produce with people unable to garden for whatever reason. To me, this is really cool.

-Really nice people

+ Of course not everyone can be nice, but so many people are willing to help others out, even when they don't know each other very well. See the produce sharing example above. I know a family that keeps a pickup truck at least in part to help other people move. One woman from my ward lent me some baby clothes right after Levi was born. I could go on, but I don't want to bore you too much. 

-Everyone is involved in their community.

+ Ok, not everyone, but many, many more people than in other parts of the country. More people volunteer, so much so that other places have asked government officials in Utah how they get their people to do it! More people vote. More people are involved in their school districts.

-I don't feel like I've left people out when I talk about things that are related to the LDS faith.

+ Even if not everyone believes in the LDS faith, everyone (or nearly everyone) is familiar with things like Visiting Teaching. It's nice to be able to be open about my religion without worrying that others will think I'm weird, brain-washed, or just dumb for believing as I do.

-It's beautiful.

+I don't think I could ever let go of my attachment to the exuberant vegetation of the Southeast, but the mountains do have a rugged beauty. They are awe-inspiring and very beautiful, and there are many mountain trails close by where you can enjoy the beauty close-up.

-People have skills for self-reliance: some sew, some preserve food by canning, most (women) know how to cook delicious food from scratch, many know how to fix things around the house or yard, and many garden.

+ Sometimes this can be intimidating. However, there are plenty people willing to teach you how to do things or who will just let you benefit from their wonderful talents.

-I can WALK to church! (it's less than one block away!)

-CONSTANT miracles. It seems too personal to elaborate on this, but if you want examples, PM me.


So, there are a lot of great things about Utah. Yeah, there are some negative things, too, but no more than any other place. With all these wonderful things about Utah, you may ask why I'd want to live anywhere else? Family is the main reason, but of course all different places have their good points, and most have just as many as Utah does.