Discussion questions for Kilmeny of the Orchard

So my book club will be discussing Kilmeny of the Orchard at our next meeting. Since I choose the book, I was curious to see what kind of discussion questions were out there for it.

I found none.

So I decided to create some of my own!

Some of the themes, on the surface of the book, are that love conquers all; unyielding pride causes difficulty not just for the prideful one, but also for their loved ones; eugenics; and the beauty of nature and of people with pure hearts.

1. Let's get the ugly one taken care of right now. The book uses an "Italian peasant" as the villain. It really gives no reason for his bad character except his heritage and "otherness." Near the beginning of the book, "good breeding" is referred to several times as an essential trait for a good match. However, in other respects, this book is very progressive for its time. Coeds are discussed in very positive language and are described as just as capable as the men intellectually. This was before WWII and eugenics were very popular. However, according to most eugenicists, people with any major defect were considered unfit, including those who were deaf or "dumb."
What do you think this book shows about the views on eugenics of the time? How does it align with them? How does it refute them?

2. The book goes into great detail about why Eric is such an eligible match: he's educated, handsome, rich, young, well born, popular, and has a promising future ahead of him. However, it seems like Kilmeny's lack of speech is a very real obstacle to their marriage, as many of the characters (David, Eric, Mrs. Williamson, the Gordons, even Kilmeny herself!) point out. Kilmeny has to be essentially perfect in all other ways to make up for it! Today, something as trivial as being mute would hardly stand in the way of two people in love.
Why do you think this was such an issue in this story?
How do you think this book affected the way people thought of eugenics, especially in respect to physically "unfit" people?

3. What of the sin of the parent being brought upon the innocent child? In the book, the consequence is merely fantastical. However, there are real-life applications of this principle.
When have you seen an innocent suffer from the sins of another person, especially a child?
How does knowing that someone's defects may be caused by another person's sins make you act toward them?

4. Nature is heavily featured in the book. Did you relate to the lyrical descriptions of the sunset, the woods, the flowers, or the orchard? Would you like to see the orchard described in the book? Why?

5. How would it make you feel to be loved as wholly as Kilmeny is, to be seen for you are without having to say a word?

6. What would the world be like if you could look into someone's eyes and tell their character, like Eric, David, and Eric's father can when they meet Kilmeny?

7. Given that Neil is unmistakenly the villain, why do you think that Montgomery puts in the tidbit near the end about him selling his own filly to obtain money for his journey?

8. How do you think we should approach books that espouse a different moral system than our own?




Please, if you find a site that includes discussion questions for this book, link to it in the comments! I would love to see what other questions people have to discuss.

Oh Crap! Potty Training: a review

It's been a long time since I reviewed a parenting book, but I really liked this one. I have read (or at least skimmed) one or two other potty training books that I found at my library, but was really disappointed. They had about 5 pages dedicated to how to handle potty training and the rest was... I don't really remember what it was about, but probably amping you up and answering questions.

This one was different. (Yay!)

Oh Crap! Potty Training by Jamie Glowacki

Cons:

I felt really bad about my muddled potty training with Levi. I'm sorry, dude, I had no idea I was doing it wrong. The author really lays it on thick about potty training at the right time, especially before the kid's 3rd birthday and is completely unapologetic. I guess this is a pro just disguised as a con because I felt so bad. However, I really love how adamant the author is about needing to get potty training done within a certain window and what the consequences are for your child if you don't.

Language. It's occasional, but if you're offended by that kind of thing, be forewarned.

I've read better how-to non-fiction books, even parenting books. I would have liked it if this one were a little more scientific, but I'm not sure if there's very much scientific research out there that has been done on potty training besides whatever the diaper companies do, and they're biased.

Pros:

Simple and direct instructions on how to teach your child to use the potty. I felt like the author spelled it out well enough that I could follow her method confidently.

Dedication to the parent's judgment and making sure the parent is committed to potty training once and for all.

Relates potty training to learning any other skill, and reminds us of this throughout the book. 

Emphasizes that learning to use the potty correctly is a life skill and it's more important than getting a head start on other things that people are teaching toddlers these days (eg ABCs, colors, shapes, basic math, etc).

Conveys confidence in any 2-year-old's ability to master potty training. The point is made that if they're smart enough to learn to count, the ABCs, or anything else like that, then they're smart enough to learn to use the potty correctly.

Humor. Again, it can get a little on the potty humor side, but what do you expect from a book called "OH CRAP! POTTY TRAINING"?

Helps you look at potty training from the child's point of view, which helps with any problems that may come up

Encouragement to keep going even through accidents and discouragement. I feel like there is a realistic time schedule set, not the 3 days that I'd like but suspect won't happen (even though she says that's possible, but not every kid will get that). My biggest difficulty the first time through was expecting that if I did it right and at my child's pace, there would be few, if any, accidents.

Overall, as I'm sure you can tell, I liked this book. I have a lot more confidence going into my 2nd potty training having read it.

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Post potty-training thoughts:

This book helped me understand a LOT more about the way a toddler thinks about potty training, diapers, and bodily functions, haha. I thought the process would take a lot longer than it actually did, because the author prepares you for the longest-case scenario. Also, I think sometimes underwear can be a positive motivator. You want to wear underwear like Mommy, Daddy, and your older sibling(s)? Okay. But you have to keep it clean and dry!

One thing that the book either didn't talk about at all or only very little was siblings and how they'd be affected by potty training. Levi was ultimately EXTREMELY helpful (I can't emphasize it enough. He was amazing), but at the beginning, he didn't know how to help and actually made it harder for Cecil to learn. Some ideas or examples of how potty training with siblings goes down would have been helpful.

My two-year-old was so excited to do his business in the potty (and all the associated stuff with that) that he would only pee or poop a little bit, flush it down, then repeat. Seriously. For at least half an hour at a time, if not more. Thankfully, when we had a discussion about where poop and pee go and gave him some underwear to put on, he is much more efficient with his potty use. Yay!

Cecil did better as soon as we had a talk about where pee and poop goes (in the potty, of course). Before that, most of his accidents were when he was wearing pants, and sometimes he'd ask for pants or a diaper when it was time for him to use the potty. The book was spot on about how pants/underwear feel more like a diaper than otherwise. His other accidents were at night in bed.

Last night was our first all dry night, and he's been wearing underwear today. We've had a couple of outings--our longest yesterday--and he's done well in the van and in public areas. I think I'm safe to say that the hardest part of potty training is over--and amazingly, it took less than a week!

Books I've read lately: August 2015

Recently I have read--among others--these books:

A Home Concealed Woman: the Diaries of Magnolia LeGuin
This book was incredibly interesting! Magnolia was born in northern Georgia in the late 1860's. The diaries were written from about 1900-1913, if I remember correctly. It was fascinating to read about her life! Much of what she wrote about was child bearing and rearing and the mundane duties around the house. I really related to a lot of what she wrote. It was also interesting from a family history point of view to read about a life that was similar in many ways to my predecessors.

Beneath these Waters
This book was based on historical studies done about the people who lived in a particular area on the northern part of the Savannah river, now covered by a lake (Russell Reservoir) made by the construction of a dam just north of Augusta. I got to read about prehistoric inhabitants (Paleo American Indians and more recent American Indians) as well as people that we have more recent records for. I got different perspectives than I've come across previously. I was glad to get a glimpse of what Reconstruction was like in the South, but it wasn't discussed in depth (understandably). I enjoyed the parts about the archaeological excavations and their finding more than the rest of it.

Welcome to Your Child's Brain
All about brain development, organized by subject, not age. It was a very interesting and informative read.

At Home with Pictures
This book has a lot of helpful ideas on how to decorate with pictures. I thought it was comprehensive and gave me a lot of ideas for decorating my own home.

Playful Parenting: my review

This review is for the book Playful Parenting by Lawrence J. Cohen.

I really enjoyed reading and learning from this book. The only thing that really bothered me about it was that the author seemed to think that his way was the only good and proper way to raise children. Considering that my favorite parenting advice is, "read lots of parenting books, take what you like from them, and discard the rest," it's understandable that I don't agree with his disdain of other parenting methods. I think it's valuable to take concepts from several different parenting techniques and use what works best for your family. Going along with that, his section about discipline was a bit confusing. He said don't be harsh but also set limits for the kids. Maybe it's because I'm still new to the whole "playful parenting" thing, but using his methods for setting limits backfired for me, and it was like I hadn't set limits.

Now on to the good stuff! And there's a lot of good stuff.

The playful approach really does minimize or eliminate many conflicts. Here are some examples:

• We were reading scriptures together one night and Levi didn't want to read his verse. I got some of his toys to play out the situation and then he "helped" one of his toys to read the verse.
• Bedtime has been difficult some nights--he's been really clingy on those nights and doesn't want us to leave. Playing using the methods in this book during the day make bedtime easier at night.
• Levi is more affectionate and is more accepting of me comforting him when he's sad.

It has also helped me. One day I woke up with a headache and was just generally cranky all day. I wanted to yell and I only had enough patience for one kid at a time. Levi asked me to play with him, and I had one of the toys be grumpy like me. It was really therapeutic to let my feelings out, and playing them using these techniques was a good way to release those feelings without scaring Levi.

Using the strategies taught in the book has also made playing with Levi more fun than before. I think we both enjoy our time together more.

I really liked how the author focused on connection with children. I agree that a connected child is a happier and better-adjusted child. I also feel that a parent has better odds for passing on their values when they are connected to their children.

He focuses on children's need to be loved, and recognizes it as a very real thing. He also explains that they need to be told in many ways that they are loved.

I also really liked his focus on fathers being involved with their children and specific techniques to help fathers play effectively with their children, so that all can enjoy the play time.

He also encouraged parents to foster compassion in boys and independence in girls, with specific strategies for doing so.

__________________________


I highly recommend this book! 4.5 stars.

With Malice Toward None: A biography of Abraham Lincoln

Recently I've been reading a biography of Abraham Lincoln, and I'm really enjoying it. I've learned that he had depression and that he was incredibly self-conscious of his humble beginnings. Evidently, he hated farm work and manual labor, which was a big factor in him educating himself. He was a very successful lawyer and was well-read on the issues of the times--he read every newspaper he could get his hands on, so he was not limited to just his party's point of view.

I've also learned a lot more about the slave issue leading up to the time of the American Civil War. Many Northerners were opposed to the idea of slavery, but did not want to fight a war over it. Most Northerners were also White supremacists and did not like the idea of freed slaves flocking to the North. Abraham Lincoln was aware of these views, and did not initially make the Civil War a war over slavery even though he was very opposed to slavery and wanted to see it end. Lincoln gradually introduced more and more measures to facilitate the emancipation of the slaves to help the American people get used to the idea.

The Emancipation Proclamation didn't come along until January of 1863, two years after the Confederacy was formed. It also only freed the slaves in the Confederate states; the people in the slave states still part of the Union were still permitted to retain ownership of the people enslaved at the time. The 13th Amendment to the Constitution--freeing all slaves everywhere in the US--was adopted in December of 1865, several months after the end of the war, and practically three years after the Emancipation Proclamation.

The Union also experienced poor military leadership until about 1864, only a year before the end of the war. Prior to that time, the Northern generals consistently fought a defensive war, successfully repelling all of the Southern forays into Union land, but never pursuing Southerners into their lands, even though the Northern armies had better weapons and more men.

I enjoyed the biography from start to finish. I enjoyed the new information I got as I read it. Although it did not read like a novel (how many accurate biographies do?), it did not consist solely of dry, uninteresting facts. The biography itself is called "With Malice Toward None: The Life of Abraham Lincoln" by Stephen B. Oates. It comes highly recommended!

Book review(s): Anne of Green Gables series

Alrighty, in a recent post, I mentioned how I had just finished reading all the Anne of Green Gables books for the second time. The post focused on the last book, but I wanted to list the other books and give a little blurb on my opinion of each.

Anne of Green Gables - LOVE. Anne is so much fun and she tries so hard but makes mistakes anyway. I think this is a big reason so many people love these books.

Anne of Avonlea - Ditto. These first two books are easy to love.

Anne of the Island - I love the romance in this one, and how Anne learns so much about herself.

Anne of Windy Poplars - Not as good. This books was more disjointed (there were a lot of .short stories unrelated to the main story) and had a lot of negativism in it.

Anne's House of Dreams - This one was good, but kind of boring. One of the characters did have depression and I liked reading about how Anne learned to relate to that character; it helped me to understand people who have depression better.

Anne of Ingleside - Ditto to Anne of Windy Poplars, except worse. There was a main character who just spouted unhappiness, Anne's kids had negative experiences, and Anne was worried that Gilbert didn't love her for pretty much the whole book. Everything was eventually resolved, but I wonder if Montgomery really wanted to end the book like that, or if she was just trying to make her readers happy?

Rainbow Valley - Lots of fun! This book is more like the original books, but this time it's Anne's kids and their friends who get into scrapes. It's actually more about her kids' friends and their family. I think I liked Anne of Green Gables more because it focused on just one person, but this was still a really fun read!

Rilla of Ingleside - I really enjoyed this book. It's a much more mature book than Anne of Green Gables because it focuses on how WWI changed life in Canada, and more especially how it changed Anne's daughter Rilla from a frivolous girl into a responsible and caring woman. I feel like my world was expanded by reading this book. I wrote another post about this book.

Rilla of Ingleside and World War I

Wow.

I just finished reading the Anne of Green Gables series. There are eight books in the series, and I've read the first three many, many times. The first time I read through the latter five books, however, I thought they were all incredibly boring and not worth my time. I was probably around 9 or 10 when I finished the last book. Since then, I've grown and matured and can appreciate more things in life.

The two last books in the Anne of Green Gables series, and especially the last one (Rilla of Ingleside) are really good. The last book takes place during World War I. I haven't read any novels or accounts about either World War--I just learned the cold hard facts and not much else. Rilla of Ingleside made it real to me. These were real people; they lost their sons, brothers, husbands, and fathers. I never realized the agony of wartime on the home front, where everyone was physically safe but feared for their loved ones. I knew that the World Wars changed lives, but I didn't feel it. Now I do.

If you want to stretch yourself a little and expand your vision, read this book; read Rilla of Ingleside. Read it not just with a desire to be entertained, but also with empathy for the experiences real people went through that provided the foundation for this novel.

Ugh-Books for Adults

So, seriously, do ALL novels written for adults have to have some sort of allusion to characters having sex (and how they're so casual about it) every 30 pages?! And then every 70 pages or so have a sex scene? A sex scene with intimate details I'd rather not read about? Really??? I know sex scenes have the reputation for being good for business and sales, but really. REALLY. This is why I don't read contemporary books from the adult general fiction section. Too bad for me that sometimes I get tired of the stuff aimed at people 10 years younger than me and try to read something aimed at my age group. Too bad that so much of the nonfiction that is aimed at my demographic is boring and hard to get through and I'd like a little bit of fiction. Too bad. Maybe I should just "get over myself" and read that trash anyway. UGH.


If you like that kind of stuff, fine. Or if you can read the book just for its other content, fine. I'm judging the books, not you. Just please--don't ask me to enjoy these books and don't tell me that I'm somehow less cultured or need to grow up because I can't bear to read them. And don't make me feel bad because you feel bad because I feel bad about the books that you enjoy. Everyone's different. So there.

1-2-3 ... Magic?

I finished 1-2-3 Magic: Effective Discipline for Children 2-12 by Thomas W. Phelan, Ph. D. about a week ago. Like the other parenting books that I've read, there are some things that I really liked and others that didn't really strike a chord with me.

Image from childdevelopmentinfo.com

Let's start with what I liked:

• The assertion that kids (especially small kids) don't get much--if anything--out of moralizing. E.g. 4-year-old Johnny is getting upset that 1-year-old Sally is playing with his toys. Johnny's mother tries to explain that it's important to share, while Johnny just gets more and more frustrated at Sally for the way she's playing with his things. He doesn't really 'get' the idea of sharing, and doesn't want to listen now.
• The author calls this situation--when adults try to reason with small children--the "little adult syndrome", meaning that parents are treating children like little adults.
• The 1-2-3 method: Each time the child misbehaves, count one number until you get to 3. At 3, the child has just earned a time out for as many minutes as they are years old. Aside: this method is only for behaviors that need to stop. Getting a child to do something (e.g. getting ready for bed) requires a different parenting method.
• When a child feels loved, they are more likely to cooperate with what the adult wants them to do.
• Parents need to watch out for their own temper tantrums when frustrated with a child for not cooperating.
• One-on-one time is essential for good parent-child relationships.
• Listening to children without judgement (if discipline is needed, that can come later)
• Family meeting (I think this section should've gotten a little bit more attention)
• The idea that a simple time-out--even when the child enjoys that time playing in his or her room--is enough of a consequence to make an impact on the child. The author asserts that the interruption to what the child is doing is enough in and of itself. I agree.
• The suggestion to establish routines. The author didn't go into much detail here, but if we do everything the same way every day, then autopilot can kick in and there won't be as much resistance among the kids--or so I hope!

I didn't really like the author's ideas for helping children to start good behaviors--or maybe it was his way of presenting the tactics that I didn't like. I feel that a parent who isn't really very good with children or getting children to cooperate could make the situation a lot worse after reading this section. While the author mentions the need for positive reinforcement and having a good relationship with children for his strategies to work, he didn't emphasize it enough for my taste. I feel that some parents who are used to coercing their children into doing things would just use his strategies for more coercion. That is NOT good. Not only does coercion harm parent-child relationships, it also makes the child associate negative feelings with the tasks that he or she is forced to do. I think this problem could have been avoided if the author had made his ideas for strengthening parent-child relationships a more essential part of his section on "start" behaviors. 

I think that was my main beef with the book--the ideas were good, but some of the good ideas were downplayed, while tactics that could be implemented either positively or negatively were emphasized. 

Oh, one more thing--the book is supposedly for children 2-12. I think that the tactics presented would be more effective for younger children than for older ones. It's been a while since I was 10, but I think that some of these tactics would have rubbed me the wrong way at that point in my life.

"Positive Discipline": My take

I recently read a book called Positive Discipline. It is, of course, about how to discipline positively. The book focuses on parent-child relationships and teacher-student relationships. I wanted to remember what I liked and didn't like about it, so here's a quick run-down:

Liked:

• Detailed information on how to hold a family council (or family meeting, as the book calls them) or a class council.
• The idea that "kids these days" are less well-behaved and are more "sassy" than kids 50 years ago because kids no longer have adult models of submission and obedience. Women no longer submit to their husbands the way they used to (thank goodness!), and "it is difficult to find anyone who is willing to accept an inferior, submissive role in life."The author states that it's great that there are so many more freedoms now than 50 (or 60 or more) years ago, and it's wonderful that our children are growing up in this world with so many freedoms. However, parents need to take up the slack.
• Here the author reviews 3 kinds of discipline: controlling, permissive, and "positive" discipline.

• Getting children to cooperate by allowing them to be part of the decision on what the consequence should be
• Not punishing children, but disciplining them. If you punish a child, they are humiliated. If you discipline a child, the child experiences natural or logical consequences that helps them to stop behaving poorly. Sometimes the child enjoys going through with these consequences (e.g. if sent to his/her room, the child may enjoy playing with toys while there. That's ok).
• Information on the benefits of a "cooling-off" period. 
• The idea that children who misbehave are misbehaving to achieve a goal--whether they know it or not. The primary goal is to achieve belonging and significance. Secondary goals (to acheive the primary goal) include:
• Attention
• Power
• Revenge
• Assumed inadequacy (this isn't really a goal, but the author asserts that when children are suffering from assumed inadequacy, they think something like, "I do not feel that it is possible for me to belong and have significance, so I will give up and hope people leave me alone."
• How encouragement is different from praise
• True stories were used to illustrate concepts

Disliked:

• Didn't really talk about children who are well-behaved and perform well but need more attention. Although this is a book about discipline, there were several places that I think it would have been useful to mention that some children who are obedient and appear to be happy need to acheive belonging and significance just as much as their misbehaving counterparts.
• The book was written in the 1980's. It's a little outdated.
• You have to work to get through the book.

Overall, it was a really helpful book. I really liked the ideas presented in it and would like to review it again in a few years to refresh that part about family councils. I'd also like to review the chapter on mistaken goals, because it had some good stuff about how to recognize and deal with each mistaken goal.