Joy

Recently, a friend said something that made me realize that she thinks that I am skilled at being joyful. I had never really thought about it like that before; I had just thought I was a naturally happy person. On further thought, though, I did realize that I do change my actions and thoughts to make my life happier and more joyful.

One thing that comes to mind is from when Levi was a baby. He was a very sad baby--I think he had reflux or something--and cried at the least provocation. He constantly was demanding my attention, and I had little time to do anything that wasn't with him. There was one point where when he napped, it was hardly ever more than 30 minutes at a time.

I was constantly frustrated with not being able to get things done. I was not experiencing very much joy; mostly I was experiencing a screaming child and not being able to do the things I wanted to do.

Finally, I took an honest look at my life. I knew I was frustrated, and I knew why. I finally said to myself, "Self, things are not going to change anytime soon. Self, what do you need to change about your expectations, and what do you need to change about your life to get the things done that you need to?"

My first change was my expectation about what I could get done during a 30-minute nap (not much). When I started expecting things that could realistically happen, I stopped being as frustrated about not being able to do the not-as-doable things that I expected to do before.

Another change was in my style of doing things. Previously, I did everything in big chunks. I set aside some time and "got 'er done!" After honestly looking at the time I had all at once, I knew that wasn't practical. I started teaching myself to do things piece by piece and to multitask. It has been a long process, let me tell you!

I saw immediate results. I didn't get as much done as I had before having a baby (surprise! haha), but I was able to get the things that needed to be done, done. The new way wasn't as efficient as the old way, but I was happier. Constant frustration was gone from my life (periodic frustration remained, of course), and nothing about my circumstances had changed.

God's Love

I was 12 when I first felt and understood--at least to some degree--God's love for me.

It started at least a year (or more) earlier, when my sister Becky and I started sharing a room. Becky had the habit of studying scriptures and praying before going to sleep each night. I admired her (still do!) and thought I should try it out, too.

So each night before cuddling up under the covers with my stuffed dog Cookie and turning off the light, I would read from the Book of Mormon and pray to Heavenly Father. I didn't really have much of a purpose besides doing what I'd been told was right. I wasn't searching for the truth or looking for a manifestation of the reality of God. This was just me "doing my duty," as I saw it.

After several months of this, nothing had changed. Finally, one day as I was saying my prayers (not necessarily praying), I suddenly was overwhelmed by a feeling of immense, unconditional, loving LOVE! I had not asked for it; I was not looking for love or really much of anything from my Heavenly Father, but there it was.

Since then, my knowledge of and faith in God and His son Jesus Christ has grown and matured. I have felt God's love many times since then. I feel that every good, happy thing in my life is made better and happier through my connection with Him. It's definitely a relationship worth developing, and I am so glad that I know Him.

Spending time with three of my fantabulous sisters!
I'm on the far right. I was about 11 or 12 when this picture was taken.

Leaving My Comfort Zone: Kitchen Edition

So one of my friends told me that this recipe was her favorite and that I should try it. That and other motivating factors made me break out of my kitchen comfort zone to try it. It is SO GOOD. It was definitely worth learning a few new skills and spending a couple of hours in the kitchen (I'm sure it won't take as much time next time I make it, though).

Oh. Man. I ate two huge servings and I just can't stop thinking about it. Think of Ariel: "I want mooooore!"

So, I'm actually pretty proud of myself for developing new skills and experiences in the kitchen (and a little embarrassed that it's taken me so long to do some of these things). Here are my new things that I done did:

1. Buy, peel, and chop up ginger. I really enjoyed mincing it because it smelled so good the whole time!
2. Zest an orange. I was so ignorant about this that I actually looked for orange zest at the grocery store. However, I've got to say that the orange zest made a huge difference in the way the meal tasted, and I got to eat a delicious orange to boot!
3. Use corn starch in my cooking. I really appreciated how quickly the sauce thickened up!

I followed the recipe exactly. I have had too many mess-ups and flops because of putting substitutes in recipes when I didn't have the exact ingredients. I would, however, change one thing--the sauce was a little too sweet. Next time I make this, I'll try it with only 3/4 C brown sugar (instead of the 1 C it calls for)

I also made some marinades (with chicken) for some easy freezer meals down the road. I'm looking forward to how they turn out. I used this one (I used a 1/4 recipe), three from this site, and then a barbecue marinade that I made up on my own. I haven't really done marinades before, either, so I'm looking forward to how they turn out.

Positive thoughts on a messy home

The other day as I finally started washing my dirty pots and pans, I thought about how nice it would be if I were better at staying on top of the dishes; it would be so nice if there were one or two--or fewer--dishes in the sink at a time.

Then I thought, "But wait--what am I doing with my time instead?"

Here are some things that I'm doing with my time instead of folding the laundry, washing the dishes, or cleaning the clutter off of the floor:

-take care of my children
-play with my children
-relax and recharge my emotional stamina for my day-to-day responsibilities
-spend time with my husband
-read for pleasure
-read for instruction
-socialize
-family history research
-make food for my family
-practice the piano for my church calling
-write about my experiences and thoughts on my blog

It's a pretty good list, and I'm sure there are more things on there that I didn't think of. I'm not certain how much less time I'd have to spend on those things if I kept my house company-ready at all times, but I know it would be significantly less, especially with the lovable chaotic force of a three-year-old in my home. Also, isn't it more efficient to get everything done at once?

Don't get me wrong--if the house is too bad, then it has an effect on me. Because of that, I'm kind of a minimalist when it comes to having "things." That way, there aren't as many things in my house to mess it up and there aren't as many things to clean up when that time comes.

Anyway, I think it's overall better to have a little bit of clutter, clothes in the dryer for days at a time, and partially unpacked boxes sitting around than to feel guilty about doing things that enrich your life.

So this weekend--don't clean your house! Go have an adventure instead. Give yourself one more hour of me- or family-time and take care of the cleaning later.

Look what I did!!!

I finally finished it!

It took soooooo long, but I finally finished it, border and all :) I love that it's a wave and not the sharper zig-zag pattern.

I just had to share. Now on to smaller projects that I'll be able to finish in a few days, instead of years (because I get tired of them in the middle and take year (or more) long breaks). No more blankets for me! Unless of course it's a baby blanket; then I might consider it.

BMI: reliable or outdated?

I realized just a few weeks ago that I was overweight according to my BMI (I was just barely overweight, at 140 lbs and 5'2"). I was surprised at that because of all the positive attention the media has been giving lately to people who say that models are overly skinny and "real women" are much bigger. The media (and my friends) had been giving so much support to this movement that I thought I was just fine as a "real woman."

So when I found out that I was overweight, I was taken off guard. I was so surprised that I figured that other people probably didn't know that they were overweight, either. I mentioned how surprised I was about being overweight in a recent conversation. The person I was talking to said that using your BMI to determine if you were overweight or not is outdated and inaccurate in many cases. At the time, all I could say was that it's really only inaccurate for people who have a lot of muscle mass. Since then, I've realized that BMI is what has been used in the studies about how weight and health are related. Therefore, even if it's an outdated and inaccurate means to determine your body's fitness, the average person's health risks can be determined by their BMI.

According to the CDC (Center for Disease Control and Prevention - a government-funded organization), some health issues from being overweight or obese are these:

-Coronary heart disease
-Type 2 diabetes
-Cancers (endometrial, breast, and colon)
-Hypertension (high blood pressure)
-Dyslipidemia (for example, high total cholesterol or high levels of triglycerides)
-Stroke
-Liver and Gallbladder disease
-Sleep apnea and breathing problems
-Osteoarthritis (a breakdown of cartilage and bone within a joint)
-Gynecological problems (abnormal periods, infertility)

This isn't about my vanity; it's about my health!

Also, the National Heart, Lung, and Blood Institute (NHLBI) states that "If you have abdominal obesity and most of your fat is around your waist rather than at your hips, you're at increased risk for coronary heart disease and type 2 diabetes. The risk goes up with a waist size that's greater than 35 inches for women or greater than 40 inches for men."

On the flip side, I have a friend who is the same height as me, 5' 2". She stays at 125 lbs "no matter what" she eats, according to her. She says her ideal weight is 107. I'm pretty sure I wouldn't function very well at 107 lbs, and that for my very individual body, I would be underweight. (Just FYI - "normal" body weight for someone that's 5'2" is 101 - 136 lbs). I was surprised that the range for normal was 35 lbs apart from low to high. I think that alone factors in the differences between body types and shapes.

I think 120-125 is probably my ideal body weight, and not lower. You see, I have a very close relationship with food, and need my energy. I will also probably have a relatively slow journey to get to that ideal weight (I'm ~136 now, after 2 months of exercise and almost 1 month of eating better). However, one little-known fact is that most of the energy that you use throughout the day is energy stored in your muscles (from food you ate that day), not your fat. Prolonged exercise is what uses up your fat stores.

For your convenience, here are two BMI calculators, one from the CDC website, and the other from the NHLBI website .

It makes you think ...

"In the matter of reforming things, as distinct from deforming them, there is one plain and simple principle; a principle which will probably be called a paradox. There exists in such a case a certain institution or law; let us say, for the sake of simplicity, a fence or gate erected across a road. The more modern type of reformer goes gaily up to it and says, “I don’t see the use of this; let us clear it away.” To which the more intelligent type of reformer will do well to answer: “If you don’t see the use of it, I certainly won’t let you clear it away. Go away and think. Then, when you can come back and tell me that you do see the use of it, I may allow you to destroy it.”This paradox rests on the most elementary common sense. The gate or fence did not grow there. It was not set up by somnambulists who built it in their sleep. It is highly improbable that it was put there by escaped lunatics who were for some reason loose in the street. Some person had some reason for thinking it would be a good thing for somebody. And until we know what the reason was, we really cannot judge whether the reason was reasonable. It is extremely probable that we have overlooked some whole aspect of the question, if something set up by human beings like ourselves seems to be entirely meaningless and mysterious. There are reformers who get over this difficulty by assuming that all their fathers were fools; but if that be so, we can only say that folly appears to be a hereditary disease. But the truth is that nobody has any business to destroy a social institution until he has really seen it as an historical institution. If he knows how it arose, and what purposes it was supposed to serve, he may really be able to say that they were bad purposes, that they have since become bad purposes, or that they are purposes which are no longer served. But if he simply stares at the thing as a senseless monstrosity that has somehow sprung up in his path, it is he and not the traditionalist who is suffering from an illusion."

-G. K. Chesterton

My Levi Boy, the Walking Wonder

My little boy has started walking! He took his first step on Saturday night. He took another the next morning. He practiced again yesterday, and he actually walked, yes, walked! From one location to another! Without falling! I just about squealed I was so excited. And today, the sweetest thing happened: Levi was standing next to a chair and I was a few feet away. Levi let go of the chair and just toddled on over to me. And -then-  he hugged me! It was the cutest thing. Of course I hugged him back. Later I stood him on the floor close to Austin's chair and he walked to Austin. What a big boy he's getting to be! I am so proud of him. He really is growing up.

Loving Mothers

I recently (about 2 months ago) read a book--Difficult Mothers by Terri Apter. It is, of course, about having a difficult mother. The book describes in some detail how to cope with a difficult mother, but it seemed to me that for the most part, it defined what a difficult mother is and described five different ways in which mothers can be difficult. The book was somewhat instructive, but it wasn't something that I'd go out of my way to say, "Read this! It helps!" to someone who had a difficult relationship with their mother. However, the author did put forth one idea that I thought hit the nail on the head, and I paraphrase:

"There are two kinds of mothers. Difficult mothers and good-enough mothers. Good-enough mothers make mistakes and frustrate their children, but children have more good experiences and memories with these mothers than bad ones. Children with difficult mothers have had a more negative than positive experience with their mothers."

Another thing she said also rang true:

"Sometimes a mother can be good-enough for one child but difficult for another." 

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For me, I had more good experiences than bad with my mother. She was good-enough. Yes, there were odd things she did and restrictions out that wazoo, but I knew she loved me. I knew she appreciated me. I knew that she prayed for each of my siblings and me individually every night, which is saying something, since there are 10 of us. I knew that I was important to her.

I remember her calling me her "jewel" many times when I helped in the kitchen.

I remember her singing "When We're Helping We're Happy" when we did work around the yard when I was little. I would sing, too, and I was happy.

I remember her playing games with me when I was little, and giving me "horsey" rides on her leg.

I remember her staying up late so she'd be awake when I got home from a social event when I was a teenager or spending the summer at home when I was in college.

I remember her encouraging me to have root beer floats in the kitchen with my friends after a group date while she went to a different part of the house and did something else.

I remember her knowing everything about birds and flowers--or at least what seemed like everything! I loved it when she'd spend time with me telling me about the different varieties of plants and animals that surrounded us.

I remember picnics in the park after kindergarten while we waited for the other kids to get out of school. The big kids were so jealous.

She helped me forge incredibly strong ties with my siblings by encouraging us to play and spend time together.

I remember going on field trips with her and the other kids that I'm sure required a lot of planning.

I remember that Mom waited on my siblings and me hand and foot when any of us were sick.

Mom taught me honesty. She taught me integrity. She taught me to love the Lord. She gave me the tools to become the person I am today, and I like the person I've become.

There are a lot of good memories. However, several of my siblings have or had a difficult relationship with our mom, and I understand why. I think the hardest thing about having her as a mother was her unpredictable mood. If she was in a good mood, then it was usually pretty easy to get along with her. If she was in a bad mood, we warned each other about it and tried to stay out of her way. She would yell at us and yell at us some more to get us to do things she wanted. It got especially bad as Dad and Mom's relationship started to deteriorate more and more. I felt so bad for the younger kids who still lived at home. Mom was frustrated because they were rebellious and disrespectful, and they were rebellious and disrespectful because they were yelled at and criticized all the time. I talked to Mom about it and told her that the kids would respond better if she used different tactics. She told me that she had tried other tactics, but they just didn't work. The only thing that got the kids to do anything (chores, homework, adhering to Mom's moral standards) was intimidation. I tried telling her that she needed to be more consistent, but I'm sure it was incredibly difficult to change an ingrained habit that seemed to have results (at least in the short term) when she didn't have anyone she could turn to emotionally that could buoy her up when she got discouraged.

I never before realized how isolated my mother was. She didn't have a good relationship with Dad by that time. Her children avoided her. She didn't have friends from church (Mom has always been kind of shy). Her brothers and their families were all busy with their own things. She didn't have friends at work because she didn't work outside the home. No wonder she was always cranky.

Anyway. I'm rambling now, but sometimes I am afraid that I will resort to the same tactics that Mom did. Even though I logically know that other tactics work better, what if I let frustration get the best of me when Levi is misbehaving? That behavior is what was modeled for me. It would be so much easier. Lately, I've caught myself becoming really frustrated when Levi has been cranky all day and nothing I do helps. How do I stop the cycle?

It's a hypothetical question. I know how to stop the cycle. Learn all I can from parenting books about positive discipline, and apply it. Make sure I have reminders where I'll see them frequently. Recognize the built-in rewards my beautiful, trusting, and well-adjusted (or at least that is how I hope they'll turn out!) children give me when I apply the principles well. Teach my children as Heavenly Father teaches his children--teach them what is right, but let them make mistakes. Make sure that my emotional, spiritual, and physical needs are met as well as theirs. Lean on my husband for support. Talk to him openly about my fears (which I have done), ask for advice, and get reassurance. Pray for help.

______________________________

There is a dual meaning in the title of this post. You can interpret "Loving Mothers" as mothers who are loving or as children loving their mothers. I think this post is about both.

Levi Is Growing Up!

I really, really, really love being a mom. Levi loves having me as his mom, too, I think! He is growing and learning so quickly. It still amazes me how quickly I need to get bigger clothes for him, and that just a year ago all he could do (besides the standard cry, eat, poop, and sleep) was wave his hands around and smile sometimes. He couldn't turn over or even use his voice yet at that point.

Can you believe he was actually this little?

You may think that this is another mother's lament at how quickly her little baby is growing up, and how there's not enough time to soak it all in.

Well, it isn't.

Giving torn wrapping paper to Daddy

I *love* that Levi is growing up. I love watching him become somebody. Yes, he was super cute when all he could do was wave his hands around aimlessly and stare at lights, but I really didn't know who he was. When he was really little, I loved being able to supply his every need (or at least almost every need), but I longed to know the personality that was waiting for his little body and brain to develop enough to show it. Right now I know a little boy who is very curious, who is very tidy about some things (who'd think that a kid at this age would already want to give torn pieces of wrapping paper to a parent instead of throwing it on the floor?), who loves positive attention, new things, and anything that has moving parts, but he has so much more room to grow! What new qualities will he develop next?

I understand why some mothers feel like their child is growing up too quickly, and I don't fault them for it. However, I am so excited to see where Levi is going and who he's going to be. Isn't that the point of getting a body and living on this earth anyway? We grow and develop. I am a better person today than I was 10 years ago, and I can contribute to society, which a little baby can't do much of.

Levi has great potential. Where is it going to take him? What is he going to do with it? Who is he going to be?

I find joy in his journey. I find joy in seeing each new step that he takes to become the man I know he can be.

Technology, Progress, and Keeping Up

When texting first became popular, I was a kind of opposite hipster: I was proud of not "needing" it to function socially; I was proud that I wasn't addicted to it; I was proud that I never struggled with texting in inappropriate situations because I avoided the temptation altogether.

Years later when I married the love of my life, I got a cell phone plan that included texting. I started using it more and more often as the months progressed, and I _LOVED_ it. I found out that texting is incredibly convenient, easier to check than a voice mail, and much less disruptive than a phone call. I don't feel that I suffer from any of the problems that I was so proud of avoiding by not texting at all. Many people are only accessible through texting. I would be missing out on so much if I refused to take part in it!

Austin's chosen profession requires that he stay at the cutting edge of technology, and I have learned that it's really much better to keep up with changes in technology and culture rather than being left behind, no matter how much you like the old way or are emotionally attached to it. Not only will you be able to relate to the rising generation, but your life will probably be easier, too!

This also relates to language. I remember learning that it was bad grammar when someone asks, "How are you?" to reply with, "I'm doing good." The proper response, I learned, was, "I'm doing well." I started using the proper response because I like doing things correctly. After a few strange looks, however, I learned that maybe the traditionally correct way to reply was "I'm doing well," but the socially correct way to reply was, "I'm doing good." I started using the socially correct way. I adapted. I wanted to be accepted; I didn't want to cling to my little notion that my way was always the best way because it was the right way. No; I learned that many times when it comes to grammar, the socially accepted ways to say things are generally the correct way. Did you know that saying "I guess" used to be slang? Yep, it was. The proper way to communicate that idea back in the day was "I suppose." Interesting how things change.

It's not just language and technology. Many people resisted giving women the right to vote because it was something new and different. Others balked at the idea of the novel; they thought it was frivolous and a waste of time. Now teachers and other leaders encourage children to read novels in order to expand their minds. I'm sure you can think of many other instances where change was resisted.

But wait! Katie, you say we should embrace change, but not all changes are good! What about the changes that are bad, that annihilate rich cultural traditions, or are bad for the social health of our culture?

Well, I agree that not all changes are good. However, I have learned to try to embrace new ideas and things. Of course I'm not perfect at it, but when it goes well, I learn what I can about the new idea or innovation with an open mind and analyze it: Is this good? Will it harm me or those around me? Is there anything intrinsically bad about it?

If I don't find anything wrong with whatever it is, then I figure it won't hurt to try, and it will probably hurt in the future when I'm not to be able to relate to those around me who haven't resisted the change. Sometimes it takes me a while to warm up to the idea; sometimes it takes a few days or weeks or even years (texting, for example) of mulling over something or missing out on something to finally admit to myself that it is actually ok.

I promise you, it is MUCH more comfortable and MUCH more dignified to accept change than to be forced into accepting or tolerating it down the road when it's unavoidable.